How does she do it?

Single parents really don't get enough credit. I could never imagine being a single mother. How hard it would be.  I was raised by a single mother and everyday she gave it everything she had. It takes every ounce of strength to do it on your own. There is so much we never think about, when parenting with two parents that they have to do every day by themselves.

I had my first taste of single parenting last spring. As many of you know my husband travels for work and luckily we get him to ourselves Friday night, Saturday and Sunday. I never imagine what it would be like with out him at home. First off I am scared of the dark.... so yeah every light is on when he is gone.  Second I am deathly afraid of spiders so yeah mommy verse spider we will all die and be eaten alive by them. Next I never knew how stinking hard it would be to take a shower.... Okay, so I am still baffled how single moms do it and look amazing, I have no idea how they do it. I swear from April till October I never pooped alone, let alone straighten my hair.... It was rough season.... I was not looking my best.

Having a  second child made it impossible to breathe.  The vast amount of house work, and normal daily tasks at hand are draining. I literally felt exhausted after the first week... so coffee and diet coke became my best friend. Praying for the strength and energy just to make it till bed time. These thing I never imagined how hard they would be. I never thought at the end of the day I couldn't say "Hey babe can you bathe the babies for me?" He wasn't home there was no one else that was going to help me. No one to watch the kids for a bit while I take a mommy breather no one to say "Hey love I will watch one of the kids so you can go to the store with out utter chaos." No one to help until the weekend but even then with all of his traveling he was exhausted. I would be too if my flight arrived at 11 pm Friday night and being jet lagged all day Saturday and Sunday church then some family time. Then 5 am Monday morning  back on a plane. It would be extremely exhausting.

My days became more then I ever imagined. It was nothing like I had pictured two kids to be. It was rough having Kaylie as a newborn juggling pediatric visits at Primary Children Hospital, breast feeding and waking up every two hours put my body threw the ringer. From 7 am on Lilah was exploring her world with coloring, being a big sister and playing hard all day every day. It was rough it was a miracle if I could get both babies to nap at the same time. It was always a debate whether to take a shower or a nap. I was beyond exhausted. Trying to never loose my temper because I was tired, was like a flip of a coin. Counting back from 10 turned into counting back from 100. The dream of having a large family began to tremble in my mind. How can I do this? I was extremely scared of what each day would hold. As time went by it got a little easier with feeding times getting further apart I found myself able to get more things done.

I think the hardest part is explaining to Lilah where daddy is and why he is at work. How wonderful he is to support us to make the sacrifice to work so much. To make the ultimate sacrifice and stay in the military. I know that even though she doesn't understand now, she will one day. I long for November till march when I get my husband every day of the week besides when the military gets him. I never knew how much I took advantage and took for granite the time we spend together.

With technology now days facetime and frequent calls it does make it easier then it would of been in the past. I miss him, and sometimes I want a slow down moment. Sometimes I want a romantic weekend with just the two of us but life isn't fair. The time spent with the girls is more of a priority right now. These are many of the reasons I do not work. I can't imagine putting the stress of  Daddy's work and adding in a job for me on the girls. I think it would create some separation anxiety for them with all his traveling. It is hard to put my career on hold but its worth it.


Now days every time I hear someone speak of oh "She's a single mom or dad" I always speak up.... You have no idea how hard their life is and how rewarding it is to be their kids hero! I have this amazing friend that gave me strength in our transition. A proud mother of three she taught me the meaning of multitasking. She gave me hope that it will all be okay. She taught me about balance that I can dedicate time to myself and still be a good mother to my girls. She  looked amazing hair and all, with three beautiful kiddos. Her strength and patience taught me a lot about myself.  I am not that strong, I am only one person but with the help of God, family, and friends they make me a stronger better person when I feel weak and I am forever thankful and grateful for all their help.






Dedicated to my family, husband and Cassie Borders.

No Soup For You (anaphylactic shock)

Allergies are no fun, they never will be. When Lilah was only 6 months old she started to develop all these horrible rashes. She would be playing on the floor one minute and the next minute she would look like she had a case of the measles . Time and time again we would be sitting in emergency room going over the procedures to eliminate different allergen, but like clock work we would be in the ER by Friday.I became so over protective. Working part time as a receptionist, a full time student I did not have very much free time but with these allergies I had zero free time. I was vacuuming the carpet twice a day. I was preparing all homemade food to help monitor what she was consuming. Gerber puts a ton of ingredients in their food so it is almost impossible to know what is causing her break outs.

I was so beyond stressed begging every doctor to do a blood IeG test to test for allergens. I felt like the doctors did not take me serious that they did not believe me she could be perfectly fine sitting in her walker and two minutes she would have a rash across her face. Lilah never was allowed to lay in the grass ( too many species of grass to eliminate) Going to the park was entering a world of unknowns. I was scared of everything. I never was able to pick pieces of food off my meal and give it to her. The idea of anaphylactic shock would raise though my mind every place we went out to dinner.

At home I felt like she was a prisoner, she was in one of those large circular baby proof pens, with two thick blankets protecting her from carpet, dander, hair, and dust. Those blankets were washed in boiling water with allergen detergent. I stopped wearing perfume. switched to unscented body wash. Anything I could do to help Lilah not have to live on benadryl. I felt like she was always drugged as an infant. She had two special medications one was a type of experimental allergy medication that helped her allergen receptors not freak out as much and another that was a type of benadryl to help the histamines not swell as fast. It took months for them to finally give us medication and dose charts so we did not have to sit in the ER every week.
The day the doctor prescribed medicine was at her 9 month check up. She was sitting on the table fine and healthy and with in the time it took for the doctor to write down on his clip board and look up... POOF  Lilah was head to toe in a rash.... He was baffled by this. Shocked he said  " WOW you were not kidding" well duh I wasn't kidding who would  lie about something like this. He insisted we keep a journal of every exposure date and time when she breaks into a rash.

The next month we were living in Denver because Derrick had his internship.Still having rashes occasionally, she began to start living a normal life on this medication. With me home with her all day it was easier to monitor what was causing the rash. I soon realized she had an allergy to food containing mangoes. Poof no more mangoes in our house. One day when she was about 10 months she reached over and grabbed my scrambled eggs. She loved them but it broke my heart that she was head to toe in a rash sitting in the tub waiting for the rash to calm down. Well poof no more baby food or adult food because every company uses eggs. They all use eggs as a preservative. I couldn't believe that it was the egg yellow or white in all the baby foods causing her rashes.... It's baby food why would it have eggs?   We began to limit all foods that contained eggs.  I made cakes with apple sauce doing everything I could to protect her.

One day when she was taking a nap I made myself lunch just a simple peanut and jelly sandwich. I ate it fast since I heard her tossing and turning in her crib. I was went in and tucker her in and gently put my hand on her face and told her I loved her..... 3 seconds later her face was swollen she was in the worst rash I had ever seen. Head to toe swollen. I raised threw the apartment got the benadryl gave her a dose sat in a tub with her waiting for it to go down.... nervous waiting with predialed phone to call 911. It became a waiting came she had no problems breathing thank goodness the swelling started to go down  and I didn't have to call 911. Allergies are such a waiting game it is horrible! You have to sit and watch every breath to make sure she is not struggling to breathe. It is traumatizing to both the child and the parent. Playing this game of using a epi pen or if the benadryl will work.  With in 30 minutes her breathing was still normal, the rash began to tapper off.....She was allergic to PEANUTS!

GREAT..... Peanuts, mangoes, egg white, egg yellow... and what ever else. At her age and weight she was barely 20lbs they told us she needed to reach 25 pounds to have her own epi pen.... WHAT!?! The panic set in that I could not take her anywhere no ice cream shops nothing. because the risk of her going through anaphylactic shock was so high. She had a massive reaction to the touch... This made traveling, going out to eat, and playing at the park almost impossible. When we returned to Washington the doctor finally ran a blood test she had a positive reaction to over 15 types of dust, pollen and dirt. The idea of taking her to play at a park made me sick. I became so scared to visit family and friends. Searching their home like a psychopath looking for any nuts or candy with nuts. (Holidays are a nightmare for us) We hate leaving our home in the winter because the choice of treats contain nuts and peanuts.

On her second birthday she finally received her epi pen. This was such a blessed day. God had blessed us by protecting her from a major reaction. Kept her completely safe while we patiently a waited the pen that could save her life. This amazing Epi Pen was like this GOLDEN TICKET.... granting us permission to have fun and explore. Lilah has finally outgrown many of her allergies. Thank God for blessing us with less allergies. She is able to play in a park, visit family, and able to have friends that she can play with at their house with out me having a complete panic attack. I love the fact she can explore her surroundings with out me having to hover like a helicopter.

No Such Thing

Entering this wonderful world of parenting..... I think I read too many book, too many article, blogs, videos, movies, and of course television! I thought I need to be perfect, every tiny failure I felt it was a huge defeat in my children's eyes. I put myself on the tall pedestal and I was unable to meet my own expectations.

I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be the driven breast feeder, the only time outs mom. The mom who kept her cool that didn't lose it in public. These are great amazing goals to have but..... it is not realistic!

Some days we are going to loose our cool. some days we are definitely not all rainbows and sunshine. We are moms, we don't get a break or a moment of peace sometimes we breakdown and cry right there in front of our kids..... But this won't be all the time, it will happen at some point though. What we have to remember is we are human and when we fail. We need  to sit down breathe and apologize to our little people. They will forgive our mistakes and look at us not as bad people but as their mommy or daddy. They don't criticize us like we tear ourselves down. They see us as their perfect heroes even though we make mistakes.


When Kaylie was born I learned that there is no way to be the perfect parent but only to be a loving parent. Breast feeding was hard it was really hard and painful. Lilah was in a new transition becoming a big sister. That was scary for her she was excited but frustrated. Why is mommy so tired and doesn't want to play only with me. It was hard and she was only 18 months. Derrick had just started traveling for work, he was gone five days a week and she had a rough time with this. It was hard for all of us. I was exhausted and with Kaylie's health issues I was scared. I spent a lot of time that summer praying  for the strength to handle two.

Lilah had stop calling me momma, she had shut down and stopped talking. She would literally scream at the top of her lungs to get what she wanted and I would give in. I took her to the doctors scared that she slower. I had other parents casting eyes of judgement when she wouldn't speak and would throw these massive temper tantrums. I felt as a failure. I thought I was a horrible mother and worthless. How could my daughter just stop speaking and take up screaming.

The doctors said this is normal she had two huge life changing transitions happen it is going to be okay. She is going to be okay. I tried to stay strong and saw another doctor who gave me postpartum medicine to help deal with these sad depressive thoughts. I was no longer perfect I was no longer a good mother. I felt I couldn't punish Lilah for screaming because she was mad and didn't know how to express it. She was mad and could not find the words to tell me why even though I already knew why. Maybe that is excuses and that's fine with me. I couldn't find it in my heart to punish someone for being sad. I was sad too. I had a lot of criticism that sat with me through the nights. About how I let her walk on me and that I was encouraging this bad behavior. Questions of  "Why did I just giver her candy in a fit?"

Well I was mad too that's why I gave her candy. I  See  this painted picture of how perfect parenting is suppose to be in my mind and I know it is a lie. The people criticizing me by no means live a perfect life, their own are not perfect. Because there is no such thing as perfect. We just try our best each day and that is all we have to give our kids. Sure I didn't follow my own criteria on parenting but my daughter stopped speaking and was so upset. The only thing I could do sleep deprived with a new born all alone 90% of the time was just let go of my perfect expectations. Stop timing the television, stop counting out every veggie and fruit. Stop obsessing over cleaning my house. Stop trying to be perfect.

Sometimes life is going to deal you a bad card or a bad summer doesn't mean it is the end of the world just means you have to stop relax and just be you without obsessing. We paint this perfect picture and when we fail to meet this picture we have painted we tend to break down emotionally. In these times we need to look deep into our heart and pray for guidance, pray for peace.

So what if I am the mom that gives my toddler a candy when she is screaming through the store, you don't know me. You don't know that she is a daddies girl and her father is in the military so beyond his normal out of the state Monday through Friday. He also had drill Friday night Saturday and Sunday. Then leaves for Texas till Friday at 11 pm. My poor daughters haven't seen their dad for over two weeks.


That night I laid down next to both my girls while they slept and prayed over and over to help me be strong to be a good mom. At 2 am I finally started to get sleepy and I realized I stayed up all night praying for strength I already had, I didn't need to care what others thought about me. What they thought of my discipline or  my parenting skills. I needed to focus on my girls and help them understand that it's just busy season for daddy's work and he will soon be home  everyday for the next six months. The strength to survive April till September alone. It will all be okay and I Know it will.

Mouse or Lion

Ever since I was a little girl I never ever thought I would be a mother. Not even one day of my life. I never sat down and thought I want to be a mommy some day, I want to stay home and be the best mom I can be. These thoughts never crossed my mind. I didn't grow up in the cute house with a fence and had my parents at every sports event. I didn't have the most involved parents the fact is I don't even know who my dad is. I never saw the dynamic of a happily married couple. I had no interest in becoming something I never saw. It made me nervous and nauseous when I started to date after  high school. When guys started to talk about the "BIGGER PICTURE"

After returning from Iraq I threw myself into research and school. I was Pre-Med and just dreamed of becoming a general surgeon. Being the Lion in the field. I was determined to be the best and the bravest even in Iraq volunteering to go in a combat unit driving convoys. I wanted to be AMAZING. The truth be told I had no people skills but I have a steady hand  so I thought, this is perfect I'll just strive hard and by 30 I will be living my dream. A year and a half away from graduation, I had just  been accepted to do parasitic research,  and spent my nights gathering data and staring through a microscope. Perfection in my mind. Listening to music and counting worms while dissecting my research, I thought I had it all....

 Six months later I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test. Happily engaged and planning my dream wedding and preparing for the MCAT soon changed.... I thought I can't be a mother I don't know how I don't know what to do or even how to be compassionate. How am I suppose to raise a baby and become a doctor. What am I going to do when this little baby comes. Derrick my biggest support is beyond excited to becoming a father but he could sense I was nervous and scared. 

The month before Lilah came I needed to make a change, I had a dream about my child hood and how I always felt like I was an inconvenience that I was this big huge MISTAKE sitting in front of my mother. This obligation that she did not know what to do with.  I was "The handful" not the dream child.

When I woke I knew in my heart I could never be this type of mom... I needed to be the best mother I could be, I took a step back in my studies started looking at different majors. I started reading every type of parenting book I could find, took multiple parenting and marriage classes. I knew I HAD TO CHANGE!!!! Sometimes I thought I was being the mouse backing out of my dreams... I went into labor sitting in chemistry class preparing for a mid term. My life had been about me and only me for so long that when Lilah was born I did not even know what to expect. My hospital room full of pre-med class mates and Derricks friends. No family there, I had zero family there. I did not have a mom to show me how to breast feed how to rock a baby to sleep. I had to start from square one. I prayed all night the night before I returned to school, asking god give me guidance to be the best mother I can be. I need to be the best and not the mouse. I want my children to feel and know they are my world and not an inconvenience.

When I returned to school I had decided to switch majors, to Family Studies what better way to learn the best development studies and how to raise children then to major in FAMILY STUDIES. When I looked at this major I saw it as a soft major but oh boy was I wrong! My whole life began to change as this little person began to grow. She was my world my everything. I no longer dreamed of surgery but I dreamed of walking her to school. Caring for her when she was sick. God has ways to change who you are and the life you will have. God showed me a path to becoming a better wife, a better mother, I teacher, a educator and being a better friend. I went from wanting no children to wanting three or four.

 I learned so much in this change how to communicate, how to be the Lion, the strong and the brave in my home. After all my experiences becoming a mother was the hardest thing I had ever done. It takes courage to be projectile puked on by a toddler and not to gag and puke on them. It takes strength to potty train and not yell when your baby poops all over their room and smear it on the wall. It takes everything you have to be a mom. I never gave up my dreams I just found them because after all that is said and done I have two little girls who see me as their dream. Their best friend, their idol and when they look me in my eyes they know they are my dream and my everything.

Laying on the bathroom floor

After month and months of thinking. I am beyond sure I will not be able to keep up with my YouTube channel. Saddening as that is I just have so much going on with the girls. It weighs heavy on my heart since I was so passionate about it and maybe when time slows down I could catch up but the only possible ways to make videos would be nap time and that rarely happens these days.

So rather then completely disappear I thought how can I express myself and keep up on being a busy mommy? I thought about it I could blog.

Why not.

So update in our super busy life. Going on second year of marriage strong as ever. Staying strong in our faith because God is so wonderful and strong. Kaylie's kidneys drained. How wonderful is that? It is so amazing and God is so beyond good! He blessed us with two amazing little girls. Lilah is at the fun age of 2 1/2 years old which of course is the terrible two's! She is talking up a storm and testing my patience every day.

She has decided to give up naps unless I am not watching any of her little friend ( been running a home daycare) If her friends are not here then I can take her for a long drive that puts both her and Kaylie asleep. Those days are so peaceful. Because no naps is torture.

I found myself last week on my knees bawling in our bathroom on the floor. Lilah had this cold stuck in her lungs for over 5 weeks her cough began to pick up at night. The more she coughed the less she slept.I did everything from humidifiers to vics you name it I did it. Nothing worked and the less she slept the grumpier she got. This  particular Tuesday was so hard and emotionally stressful. Her fight for independence and her fight to insist she needed no nap. Broke me it literally broke me down.

I could not help but fall to my knees deep in prayer and deep in tears. I asked god over and over help me please help me give me the patience to make it through the day. I begged forgiveness since I lost my temper and yelled at Lilah not just yelled but really YELLED close to SCREAM. My heart was so broken. How can I teach my daughter patience if her mother lost her temper. I felt like the world is on my shoulders and poor Kaylie is just teething and crying in pain. I knew right then the to look unto the Lord for guidance.

I felt this weight slowly lifting and had this feeling God was telling me keep calm and go for a drive. I kept dreading the thought of loading both the girls into the car dealing with all the chaos since everyone is very grumpy and in a sour mood. But something was just pulling me to get my keys and  forget the diaper bag, the bottles, the sippy cups, and the toys.


I just put Kaylie bear in her car seat, and swooped up Lilah. Took them to the car with only my sunglasses, wallet and keys in hand. This was the lightest load I have carried to the car since June of last year. I was not sure where I was going to go but I was going! I just started to drive thinking about grabbing some coffee or a soda. Mean while the new frozen sound track was on. Lilah kept asking me to repeat playing Frozen Heart. The song at the very beginning of the movie when they are sawing the ice. It is her favorite song. Well after about fifteen minutes the car grew very quiet.

I took a look in the rear view mirror and discovered Kaylie had fallen asleep. Mind you with teething for over two months she could literally only sleep for ten minutes to maybe a half an hour and then wake up in pain. She fell asleep with out me bouncing her for two hours and singing to her. She fell asleep!!! Peacefully asleep. I looked to the left and Lilah was sound asleep. SOUND ASLEEP! The two year old who would scream and holler about the mention of nap time. The one who could stay awake even after 20 nap time stories....

She was asleep sound asleep. I turned the music off this was the first silence I had found out side of 3 am in our house. It was so quiet in the truck I decided why chance it and kept driving. Picked up a soda from  Sonic. Drove past this crafting store I have wanted to see for over 6 months. I sat at a park and watched the birds fly by. I was able to think. REALLY THINK! I knew God had answered my prayers. When I was at my whits end and there was nothing left in me to give. He calmed me down. He lowered my anxiety and helped me regain my patience. God is so good!

Everyday for the rest of the week. I just packed them all up at 2 pm and took them for a drive. Each time they both fell completely asleep. Regardless of Lilah not feeling well she actually took six naps in the week. My darken circles around my eyes began to fade. Kaylie became a happier baby. She began to regain a schedule. She started to take two long naps one in the morning and one in the afternoon. A short nap after dinner and the first time in 9 months she slept through the night. The whole night.

Not only did they nap they were in such a great mood waking up we went to that craft store. We picked out a craft together. In the first time in over 6 months I was able to pick back up on my hobby. I was able to craft. After the girls fell asleep I quietly brought them inside and laid them down. They slept 2 plus hours and in that time I was actually able to craft! I felt to unstressed after taking some time for me. I use to throw myself into making videos to have "me time" but now its hard to find time to pee alone. Let alone a couple of hours to film.... So crafting and blogging is going to be my new release. To help me journal my thoughts and feelings but still able to help other moms out like my videos did. When we find ourselves broken and unable to speak we need to find that quiet little place whether it be in a closet the bathroom or next to the crib. Fall onto our knees and pray for the Lord will provide we just have to listen carefully.