No Such Thing

Entering this wonderful world of parenting..... I think I read too many book, too many article, blogs, videos, movies, and of course television! I thought I need to be perfect, every tiny failure I felt it was a huge defeat in my children's eyes. I put myself on the tall pedestal and I was unable to meet my own expectations.

I wanted to be perfect, I wanted to be the driven breast feeder, the only time outs mom. The mom who kept her cool that didn't lose it in public. These are great amazing goals to have but..... it is not realistic!

Some days we are going to loose our cool. some days we are definitely not all rainbows and sunshine. We are moms, we don't get a break or a moment of peace sometimes we breakdown and cry right there in front of our kids..... But this won't be all the time, it will happen at some point though. What we have to remember is we are human and when we fail. We need  to sit down breathe and apologize to our little people. They will forgive our mistakes and look at us not as bad people but as their mommy or daddy. They don't criticize us like we tear ourselves down. They see us as their perfect heroes even though we make mistakes.


When Kaylie was born I learned that there is no way to be the perfect parent but only to be a loving parent. Breast feeding was hard it was really hard and painful. Lilah was in a new transition becoming a big sister. That was scary for her she was excited but frustrated. Why is mommy so tired and doesn't want to play only with me. It was hard and she was only 18 months. Derrick had just started traveling for work, he was gone five days a week and she had a rough time with this. It was hard for all of us. I was exhausted and with Kaylie's health issues I was scared. I spent a lot of time that summer praying  for the strength to handle two.

Lilah had stop calling me momma, she had shut down and stopped talking. She would literally scream at the top of her lungs to get what she wanted and I would give in. I took her to the doctors scared that she slower. I had other parents casting eyes of judgement when she wouldn't speak and would throw these massive temper tantrums. I felt as a failure. I thought I was a horrible mother and worthless. How could my daughter just stop speaking and take up screaming.

The doctors said this is normal she had two huge life changing transitions happen it is going to be okay. She is going to be okay. I tried to stay strong and saw another doctor who gave me postpartum medicine to help deal with these sad depressive thoughts. I was no longer perfect I was no longer a good mother. I felt I couldn't punish Lilah for screaming because she was mad and didn't know how to express it. She was mad and could not find the words to tell me why even though I already knew why. Maybe that is excuses and that's fine with me. I couldn't find it in my heart to punish someone for being sad. I was sad too. I had a lot of criticism that sat with me through the nights. About how I let her walk on me and that I was encouraging this bad behavior. Questions of  "Why did I just giver her candy in a fit?"

Well I was mad too that's why I gave her candy. I  See  this painted picture of how perfect parenting is suppose to be in my mind and I know it is a lie. The people criticizing me by no means live a perfect life, their own are not perfect. Because there is no such thing as perfect. We just try our best each day and that is all we have to give our kids. Sure I didn't follow my own criteria on parenting but my daughter stopped speaking and was so upset. The only thing I could do sleep deprived with a new born all alone 90% of the time was just let go of my perfect expectations. Stop timing the television, stop counting out every veggie and fruit. Stop obsessing over cleaning my house. Stop trying to be perfect.

Sometimes life is going to deal you a bad card or a bad summer doesn't mean it is the end of the world just means you have to stop relax and just be you without obsessing. We paint this perfect picture and when we fail to meet this picture we have painted we tend to break down emotionally. In these times we need to look deep into our heart and pray for guidance, pray for peace.

So what if I am the mom that gives my toddler a candy when she is screaming through the store, you don't know me. You don't know that she is a daddies girl and her father is in the military so beyond his normal out of the state Monday through Friday. He also had drill Friday night Saturday and Sunday. Then leaves for Texas till Friday at 11 pm. My poor daughters haven't seen their dad for over two weeks.


That night I laid down next to both my girls while they slept and prayed over and over to help me be strong to be a good mom. At 2 am I finally started to get sleepy and I realized I stayed up all night praying for strength I already had, I didn't need to care what others thought about me. What they thought of my discipline or  my parenting skills. I needed to focus on my girls and help them understand that it's just busy season for daddy's work and he will soon be home  everyday for the next six months. The strength to survive April till September alone. It will all be okay and I Know it will.