Mouse or Lion

Ever since I was a little girl I never ever thought I would be a mother. Not even one day of my life. I never sat down and thought I want to be a mommy some day, I want to stay home and be the best mom I can be. These thoughts never crossed my mind. I didn't grow up in the cute house with a fence and had my parents at every sports event. I didn't have the most involved parents the fact is I don't even know who my dad is. I never saw the dynamic of a happily married couple. I had no interest in becoming something I never saw. It made me nervous and nauseous when I started to date after  high school. When guys started to talk about the "BIGGER PICTURE"

After returning from Iraq I threw myself into research and school. I was Pre-Med and just dreamed of becoming a general surgeon. Being the Lion in the field. I was determined to be the best and the bravest even in Iraq volunteering to go in a combat unit driving convoys. I wanted to be AMAZING. The truth be told I had no people skills but I have a steady hand  so I thought, this is perfect I'll just strive hard and by 30 I will be living my dream. A year and a half away from graduation, I had just  been accepted to do parasitic research,  and spent my nights gathering data and staring through a microscope. Perfection in my mind. Listening to music and counting worms while dissecting my research, I thought I had it all....

 Six months later I found myself staring at a positive pregnancy test. Happily engaged and planning my dream wedding and preparing for the MCAT soon changed.... I thought I can't be a mother I don't know how I don't know what to do or even how to be compassionate. How am I suppose to raise a baby and become a doctor. What am I going to do when this little baby comes. Derrick my biggest support is beyond excited to becoming a father but he could sense I was nervous and scared. 

The month before Lilah came I needed to make a change, I had a dream about my child hood and how I always felt like I was an inconvenience that I was this big huge MISTAKE sitting in front of my mother. This obligation that she did not know what to do with.  I was "The handful" not the dream child.

When I woke I knew in my heart I could never be this type of mom... I needed to be the best mother I could be, I took a step back in my studies started looking at different majors. I started reading every type of parenting book I could find, took multiple parenting and marriage classes. I knew I HAD TO CHANGE!!!! Sometimes I thought I was being the mouse backing out of my dreams... I went into labor sitting in chemistry class preparing for a mid term. My life had been about me and only me for so long that when Lilah was born I did not even know what to expect. My hospital room full of pre-med class mates and Derricks friends. No family there, I had zero family there. I did not have a mom to show me how to breast feed how to rock a baby to sleep. I had to start from square one. I prayed all night the night before I returned to school, asking god give me guidance to be the best mother I can be. I need to be the best and not the mouse. I want my children to feel and know they are my world and not an inconvenience.

When I returned to school I had decided to switch majors, to Family Studies what better way to learn the best development studies and how to raise children then to major in FAMILY STUDIES. When I looked at this major I saw it as a soft major but oh boy was I wrong! My whole life began to change as this little person began to grow. She was my world my everything. I no longer dreamed of surgery but I dreamed of walking her to school. Caring for her when she was sick. God has ways to change who you are and the life you will have. God showed me a path to becoming a better wife, a better mother, I teacher, a educator and being a better friend. I went from wanting no children to wanting three or four.

 I learned so much in this change how to communicate, how to be the Lion, the strong and the brave in my home. After all my experiences becoming a mother was the hardest thing I had ever done. It takes courage to be projectile puked on by a toddler and not to gag and puke on them. It takes strength to potty train and not yell when your baby poops all over their room and smear it on the wall. It takes everything you have to be a mom. I never gave up my dreams I just found them because after all that is said and done I have two little girls who see me as their dream. Their best friend, their idol and when they look me in my eyes they know they are my dream and my everything.